Thermostat Wars Late October. I could set the house afire, Roast everyone alive. My wife's last words as we all expired Would be no surprise: “Turn up the thermostat, be a dear, Doesn't it feel a little chilly up in here?”
Bill Grogan's Goat Got ‘Woke’ Bill Grogan's goat was feeling fine, ‘til he took a shine and ate six red pills right off the assembly line. Bill jabbed him with a needle right in the back; soon as he went slack tied him securely to the railroad track. The train drew up in the graveyard shift; Goat was prepared to say ‘adieu’. He now dearly wished he had taken the pills that were colored blue. As he circled the drain, he gave three groans of terrible pain, coughed up the red pills and flagged down the train.
Bad Hair Day I whistled a tune, She lowered the boom. "How can you be so cheerful, When my hair looks like this?" I thought I better be careful, I could be laying my life on the line: "Is there something amiss, Honey, I think you look fine." That ought to restore the marital bliss, I thought the answer well-played, But I could not have been more blind. Now I look six ways to Sunday, And ascertain the phase of the moon, Before I ever attempt to whistle a tune.
Bug-Out Bag My wife turned and said: How does this dress look on me? Before she could finish, I had fled Grabbing my bug-out bag, Which every married man Should have at the ready. (…Also good to have A rope ladder close at hand.) Because, Not to give an answer is bad. And to give one is even worse; There is no wisdom to be had To suit a woman Regarding her appearance, In the whole wide universe.
Night Marriage
There came a punch to the ribs at quarter to three in the a.m.
Me: “Sorry Honey, was I conducting the orchestra in my sleep again?”
Then I narrowly averted a knee to a most sensitive locality.
What would incite a sudden recourse to this excessive brutality?
Her: “There is no way I’ll forgive you for this one!”
Still only half awake I just laid there stunned.
Her: “I want to know who those women were, give me their names!”
Me: “What are you talking about, have you gone completely insane?
Her: “The two with enhancements, and the one with fake hair.”
Me: “I’m sorry but I don’t know any such women in my social sphere”
Her: “They were in my dream, and you were just a little too familiar.
If I ever see any one of those three, I’m going to kill her.
As for you, you can find another place to sleep, you aren’t sleeping here.”
So, I grabbed my pillow, collected my robe, headed down the hall in a tear.
Her: “And I expect an apology for your disgraceful behavior!
And don’t even think that will in any way regain my favor!”
Me: “Certainly, as a matter of fact I’ll go work on it right now, by all means,
Indeed, I’ll have your apology coming straightaway…in your dreams!”
As my head hit the pillow propped up dubiously on the sofa
Finding no comfortable position, I had to coil up like a cobra.
As soon as I dozed off, I took up a whip and a chair to conduct the orchestra,
Which had acquired 3 new members: Panthera Leo from the Phylum: Chordata.
And the audience was now made up of water buffalo and various gazelle,
That’s why the whip and chair, to ensure things wouldn’t descend into hell.
And as the strains of “O Fortune” from Carmina Burana rang out in the air,
Carmen Miranda cut in with “Lady in the Tutti-Frutti Hat”, just out of nowhere.
That was not the dream I had from before; it had all turned into a nightmare.